October & November Update / Thoughts about adoption

I hope this finds you well and living in the goodness of Jesus. Our life has been uneventful, but fulfilling. We have moved into our new home and totally love it; it’s bright, open, and best of all, packed with people every Thursday night for small group. We always want our home, in whatever capacity, to be open for people, to be a safe place and a welcoming place. As we are blessed with space, so we give it back. Our cups runneth over with those who enter and we are grateful for every guest who finds refuge here.

We will cut our Christmas tree down next week, and once it’s up and decorated, I’ll post some photos. Of course, I would much rather have you walk through the door and sit in our living room. You are welcome any time for any reason at all. This Saturday is our town’s 79th Annual Starlighting. The entire town shuts down and we gather in the downtown square and read a poem, sing Silent Night, and count down the lighting of the huge star that sits on THE Castle Rock. It is the biggest event of the entire year in our little town. You can read more about the history here. I am so excited and I will likely cry through the entire thing. Sure, it’s a bit hokey, but I’m all about hokey.

One of my best friends and I are planning a trip to Europe in February and I’m really looking forward to that! I’m mostly looking forward to a beer and pretzel, followed by chocolate cake in Germany. Is that stereotypical of me to think that? Is that like every other place in the world thinking that Americans only eat burgers? Because that’s true. I eat a lot of burgers. Regardless, I’m thrilled.

Our families are doing well. My daddy is finally recovering from his broken leg back in February, mama is enjoying her time with committees and ministry, which she’ll do until she dies. The little boys are doing great too! Karson is finally tall enough to see the top of the pool table and Kaiden is a world famous scientist in the world of 6 year olds. Dillon’s younger brother Jake is finally home from his trip and I’m exhaling for a successfully safe trip across the United States. Their parents’ businesses are growing wildly, and their ambition and dreams course through Dillon’s soul just as much.

The weather is balmy, about 60* during the day, and in the 30s once the sun goes down. Last week, we got roped into the polar vortex and it reached a high of 0 degrees one day, sans wind chill. It was my most favorite day, I love the shift in seasons.

If I may also shift direction of this post, I’d like to share my heart. I don’t think I have a whole lot of readers, so I like to use this space as a canvas where my heart and mind can collide and make sense of things. If you read this along the way, welcome in to my soul.

For my entire life, I’ve always known I will adopt. It’s always been a part of my story, and as Dj and I grow in Christ, it’s become ours. God has moved in Dillon’s heart immensely, as in mine. We will adopt.

The way I see it, adoption is Christ.

If I get the pleasure and honor of being a mother via adoption, it will be beautiful and exciting and a moment of straight up goodness from God.

But there is heartbreak first. A mother must give up her child, hoping that by her choice, this child will have a fighting chance.

Her heartbreak is my hope.

Isn’t that Jesus on the cross? God gave up His son, that by that sacrifice something beautiful would come of it. It was painful and hard but it changed the world.

I hope to replicate that in my small, insignificant life. That by a woman’s sacrifice, something beautiful would come of it. It will be painful and hard, but it will change the world for that child and for our family. 

I think of her often. If we adopt, when? How old is our birthmother right now? Is she 5? Is she 15? What is her family life like? Does she love Jesus? Does the father of her child love her?

It breaks my heart that something I desire so strongly in life comes at the cost of a broken life for her. If I believe that God has called me into adoption, then I must also believe that God has called this girl into a scary life…brave, yet hard decisions have to be made.

I pray for this girl, whomever she may be, wherever she might be. Whenever our worlds finally cross paths, I will hug her and tell her that I have prayed for her for years, and I thank God that she is a pure reflection of redemption.

Goodnight, all.

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One thought on “October & November Update / Thoughts about adoption

  1. Hi Cameo! I haven’t seen you on FB in so long, I almost forgot what you look like! (just kidding!) I do miss your updates, though. Normally, I wouldn’t comment, but this post finds me wanting to share something with you…something that maybe you don’t know, and will likely result in an epic book of a post, but might ease your heart a bit in regards to the heartbreak of a birth mother.
    In 1995, I was raped by a “friend”. I won’t go into detail here, but it was life changing for me in a myriad of ways. When I found out I was pregnant from that rape, I thought of nothing BUT the rape, and truly, I just wanted to escape living that day over and over and over. I was close to miscarrying by the time I found out, and was put on bed rest for 6 months. Amber was 3, and I’m sure you can figure how well that went over! I thought of ending the pregnancy – and please, don’t judge me…it’s a position that requires one to be inside, looking out…one cannot fathom it by attempting to look in. At any rate, my Doctor suggested adoption, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that not only was it a gift to a loving, wonderful family, it could, perhaps…just maybe be a gift to myself There are no words to describe the amazing thrill of being pregnant. The kicks, squirms, and BOND…it’s simply incredible…except when it’s not. Reliving what happened every time I caught a glimpse of myself, looking in the mirror and seeing my changing body and knowing I had not willing allowed those changes…it was taking a toll on me emotionally and physically. I gained a total of 13 pounds during that pregnancy, not because I wasn’t eating, but because I was in the darkest place within myself that I have ever been in my entire life.
    I have a hip displacement issue that began in my teens, and so I began seeing a physical therapist to help strengthen the tendons etc. I know, without any doubt, that she was placed in my life for a reason…it was she who introduced me to a family that holds a very tender, beautiful place in my heart.
    I met the Wilde’s for the first time at the Hospital, for a scheduled ultrasound. I followed them to their house in Scottsdale, toured their home, met their son, (also adopted), and in all honesty, instantly fell in love with everything about them! I’ve NEVER met a more beautiful soul than Janet Wilde. She loved that baby with every single ounce of her being from the moment we met…and I loved her because of it.
    It became my sole purpose to give that woman the child she desperately needed. They had been horribly victimized by a fraud, who took over 200K from them in false hospital/Dr bills before they found out that the twins they thought they were adopting didn’t exist. When I found out about this, my heart was absolutely broken – if you met them, you would know why. My family told me I couldn’t do it, that I wasn’t strong enough, that I’d change my mind…funny how those we love sometimes know us so little. I KNEW that baby was meant for them. I knew because my heart told me…Life hands us challenges (you would call it God) and sometimes, they tear us down so badly, it’s almost impossible to see the way back up, and so it was for me. (aside from the rape, there was the inevitable thought that I was to blame, and that was backed up by family that didn’t believe me…only my Dad knew from the very moment I told him, that I was telling the truth – it had been he that introduced me to that “friend”, and I know that he took the misplaced guilt of what happened with him to his grave.)
    The day I went into labor, I had a list of instructions for the Dr and nurses – the top being that I did not want to hold the baby. By this time, I knew that he had never belonged to me – but was only “sent” through me…and I was afraid I would forget that if I held him. I could not have imagined – or planned – what happened that day, but I will be forever grateful that it did. There were complications…he was stuck on my pelvic bone, and the contractions were only causing his heart rate to drop. When it reached 73 the doctor decided to “pull” him. (no explanation needed, I’m sure) The nurse shift change happened about 10 minutes prior, and somehow, the new nurse had not gotten my carefully crafted direction about not holding that baby…and she handed him directly to me. I wish, in truth, that I could take you back to that day…to see the number of people in that room; nurses, doctors, the Wilde family, Justus was there (we called him AJ then), my sister was there (both of them had the job of holding my legs – my hips ended up coming out of joint, and I could not control them) my physical therapist was there as my birth coach…and one tiny little baby boy. I wish you could hear the collective gasp that went through the room when he was placed in my arms…I had to chuckle, and I assured everyone that it was ok. I’m sure that Janet’s heart was racing!
    I took his tiny little hand in mine, and kissed his fingers. I stroked his face, and smoothed his hair, and I whispered in is his ear, “I will always, always love you”, and then I called his Mama over.

    There are two moments in my life that I know hold more meaning than I will ever be able to explain. One was holding my father’s hand when he died, and the other was the incredible beauty of life – handing that small, beautiful little boy to his Mother for the first time, with the words, “Janet, meet your son”.
    The look of pure adoration and unconditional love on her face was exactly what I knew he had been created for…they NEEDED each other…and through that experience, I healed, Cameo. It didn’t happen all at once, but it crept in, and I left that hospital knowing I would never doubt my decision. Sometimes, Sweet Girl, it isn’t a heartbreak to let go…but a heart that is healed.

    Jack is 18 now. He is a helicopter pilot, music genius (literally), and amazing young man. And I still love his Mother in ways I cannot define.

    When it comes time for a child to be placed into your life, remember this: there is a reason for everything. I hope that the Mother carrying your child will see in you the exact perfection that I saw in Janet, because she will know what I know, and I know that it will be an HONOR to hand you your baby. May you be Blessed, Cameo.

    All my Love,
    Terra

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